I just ran back from my walk, and I still don't feel any better.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss my dad. He was literally the only person who gave a fuck about me.

And I looked up to him. He was a good guy. 

He cared about the environment. He cared about honesty. 

Everyday I think about how much he taught me about the garden. 

And it hurts to miss him. And in a sense I'm still angry that he's gone. 

But most of the time it's not a red hot anger. Does that make sense? It's like a cool anger. Towards God, or the universe, or life in general. Not towards things I can actually hurt. 

But sometimes that anger flares up, and I want to fuckign kill something... hurt something... destroy something. 

It flares up when I think about the piece-of-shit trolls who used me for target practice when my dad was in the hospital. The assholes who told me they hoped he died. The assholes who celebrated when he passed. The assholes who told me he should've been ashamed of me and the assholes who told me I should kill myself. 

FUCK those people. 

When I think about how heartless and evil they were I flare up. 

And I wanna fuckin take it all out on something that can be broken and ruined. 

Unfortunately for me, all those "somethings" are anonymous. And on top of that, the trap keeps coming up empty...

So what can I do to let off some of this steam, before the pressure makes me explode? 

I take it you read the title? 

I went for a walk. I like to go out and see the sights, so to speak. This time, I found a real doozy.

Wanna see her?

She lives alone, in a house that's even more private than mine.

Our house is a good.... actually I've never timed it before, but it's probably a like 5 minute walk from home to the nearest house on in that direction and hers is a little farther out. So like 10ish minutes to walk to her house? probably less. Next time I'll get an exact number. But, anyway... It's a bit removed from any other houses.

And I don't usually head her way, because she lives alone and it's more fun to watch people fight.  So generally I'll go the other way in the hopes of catching something juicy. BUT this time I didn't want to catch little tidbits of drama. I wanted to build a little dream...

So I got to her house and the lights in the front were on. But that doesn't necessarily mean anyone's home. Everybody around here leaves their lights on all the time as a deterrent or whatever.

So I peeked through the garage window, sure enough her subaru is sitting there. So I circled the house to see if I could pin down her location.

I wanted to find her and settle in and watch and fantasize a bit.

Being that she lives alone, I could easily just bust in there and... well who knows? Thinking of the possibilities though, that's the fun of it.

The point is I could do anything (NOT that I ever actually would), and nobody would help her. Nobody would even hear unless a gun went off.

So thoughts are running through my mind while I'm searching and once I circle around to the back of the house I see her. I kinda had to retreat into the bushes, because she's standing right at the window.

When she looks down I shield my phone and the brightness way down to take that video you saw.

The video kinda sucks so you can't really tell but she's standing at a sink and doing dishes.

And she has no fucking clue I was out there looking at her.

My heart was thudding. You know when you get like a rush and you can hear your heartbeat in your ears? It was like that.

I stood up, and she had no fucking idea. That's the best thing about people watching at night, if their windows are shut and the lights inside are on it basically turns the windows of their house into one way mirrors. They can't see out but I can see in.

Anyway, I'm filming her and wondering if her door is unlocked. Can you see it on the left of the frame?

So i'm standing there fantasizing about just trying the handle. What if it's open? What if I just barge in? What would she do?

I imagined it would play out like this: Turn the handle. She looks to see, but doesn't initially comprehend. I fling the door open, and leap inside. She'd be stunned right? Scared.

What would she do? Throw the dishes at me? That might hurt, but she'd likely miss. I pictured her spraying me with water from the sink and the image struck me as fucking hilarious. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing, but my cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.

And all the while I was getting more and more worked up. I dared myself to go try the handle...

But I'm kind of a chickenshit... I WONT say I was too scared, to just go for it. But... I didn't do it when I had the chance. Instead I tried to take a picture, since I know from experience, night videos always come out grainy.

And:

THE FUCKING FLASH WENT OFF!

She looked up, practically right in my direction. I fucking froze. 

She kinda squinted, and brought her hands up to her face to try to block out the glare. 

I dropped down into the weeds and shit that were growing behind her house, and held my breath. 

Then I see her turn around and disappear from the window!

And I just fucking booked it. 

I ran back toward the woods in the vague direction of my house, and the second I made the tree line at the edge of her property I fucking dove into the bushes. 

I crawled into the best cover I could find and looked back. 

I had no idea what would happen. I was thinking she was probably already on the phone with the cops. And my legs were tense. 

I was worried, but it felt... oddly it felt really fucking good. Exhilarating. I could feel the fight or flight response pumping my muscles into overdrive. 

Have you ever had that feeling? You feel like you could leap over a car. Or run faster than a dog. It's crazy. 

But in the back of my mind I know the cops wouldn't be far away if she already called them. I'm ready to run deeper into the woods. I'm used to hanging out in the woods behind my house anyway, and they all connect, so I'm pretty sure I could lose them if I had to. 

But then the door opens and this nutty old lady actually comes out the back door in her pajamas. and I hear her yell (yell might be an overstatement, it was a pretty weak) "Who's there?"

I don't see both her hands, so I'm not sure whether she has a weapon. I'm trying to catch my breath, thinking how fucking easy it would be to charge her. 

But before I could work up the nerve she shrugs and heads back inside. 

I blew it. Or I dodged a bullet, depending on how you look at it. 

Now her doors are locked. And they probably will be for the next month and a half lol. 

I still wasn't sure whether she made a report or anything, so I decided I better hoof it back home. 

I stuck to the woods just to be safe, in case a patrol came to respond. Got back to my house, slipped inside, and typed it all up. 

My muscles are still tense, holy fuck. 

And while I was out there I didn't feel angry at all. I felt pretty darn close to peaceful. But now that I'm back and sitting at dad's computer, all I can think about is those pieces of shit that decided it would be good fun to bully me over dad's passing. 

What if it had been them instead of her? 

Fantasy and that's all I have. 

And that reality just makes that cold anger get a little deeper. 

It sucks to be hot and cold at the same time. It sucks exactly as hard as that terrible katy perry song. Barf. And rage. 

I need some fucking relief! 

And tomorrow I'll have some. I'm gonna pick those tomatoes. They've been okay so far, and they'll be okay tonight, but I don't wanna wait to long and accidentally lose them to the frost. 

Besides, I really, really need some relief. And enjoying the tomatoes that dad and I planted will be the single best thing that's happened this awful summer. 

And it'll hurt that he's not here to enjoy them with me, but I know he'd be proud of me for taking care of them since he's been gone.