I'm in mourning.
People are trolling me on my blog, insulting my dad's memory on reddit, and telling me I'm grieving wrong.
And on top of all that, I've got legal drama and this time it's my fault. I changed dad's will a while back, so that if he... passed, he could be laid to rest in the garden. It's his favorite place and it just makes sense.
Well I thought I dodged a bullet when nothing ever came back to me after I changed the will. I figured the lawyer had signed it or whatever without actually re-reading it.
Turns out that must be what happened. But it didn't do me any favors now that dad is gone.
the lawyer came by the house yesterday. He pulled my mom aside, and I was listening from outside the door. I didn't catch the whole thing but I started recording on my phone once I realized what they were talking about.
I hear something like,
"Yes, he emailed me a finalized will, and I checked it over. I told him it looked great, and he just needed to print it, sign it, and send it to me. To witness."
My mom said something at that point but her voice was really worked up. Sounded like she was crying and I couldn't hear what she actually said.
Then dad's lawyer replies, "of course I know that. Obviously. It was stupid, but I signed it. And I did it without reading. How was I suppose to know he'd change it at the last minute, especially to something so obviously illegal?"
At this point I thought the lawyer meant he figured out I changed it... I started to freak out, and my heart was like slamming into my throat.
I tried to listen over the sound of blood pumping past my ear drums, "But look, these were his wishes. We have a chance to honor them. We just can't do it through the proper channels."
She said something really high pitched, and I couldn't catch all of it except the end, "-Fucking insane!"
I could hear him trying to calm her down. and he was like, "look my ass is on the line right now, and it's partially my fault- so if I have to own it, and go down for it I will. Your husband changed the will, and if I had caught it I'd never have signed it. I should have caught it and made him fix it. But I didn't. Now, look. We have a couple options. We can bring it to light, and follow the law. But I'll be shamed and my reputation will collapse, for missing something this obvious. Or we follow the will, follow what he wanted... but we'd have to do it under the radar. It's better for Harold. It's better for me. Is it doable for you?"
There's a good 30 seconds of silence, and then mom says, "Let me read that fucking thing again."
Then I heard her reading the words I wrote. "I wish to be laid out in the garden, and left ot the open air?! He doesn't even want to be buried? What the fuck!"
The lawyer, "I know it sounds insane. Same way he didn't want to cause you guys a financial burden, I don't want to cause you an emotional one. Look, I have ways around the Jersey regulation. We can go either way. He's on refrigeration now. But we can't wait much longer before you decide."
At that point my phone ran out of memory and the recording stopped. which sucks because that's when dad's lawyer explained how we could go about it. I really wish I could keep that part straight in my head, but my brain is still buzzing like mad hours later.
If I'm not mixing it up, he said that he brushed up on the laws, and there's a way to have him buried on our private property. He thinks we probably meet the requirements and we just need to get a license. I think, anyway.
So...
Now on top of all the massive shit pile I'm buried in, this is over my head too. Dad's remains. We don't know what the hell is going to happen, and it's my fault. I stand by the changes I made to the will though. Because I know exactly how much the garden means to him.
I know being laid out in the garden is exactly what he would want. But I threw the handling of his remains into chaos, and I feel bad about that. I hope it turns out all for the best.
It sounded like the lawyer was gonna leave it all up to my mom. So I'm going to figure out a way to talk to her about it, and bring her around.... I hope.
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UPDATE
I tried to get some advice on reddit but didn't get a chance to read all the responses yet. too much pressure, couldn't wait. Just went ahead and talked to mom.
she doesn't know I heard or recorded the conversation, so I had to be stealthy.
I asked her if dad wanted to be buried.
She said he wanted to be buried in the "fucking garden." So many things wrong with her response. (She didn't say he wanted to be left in the open air AND she said it like she was disgusted by the garden itself)
I asked if that meant we'd have to dig up the garden.
She said no, and after a minute she added, "Alex, he didn't even want to be buried. Just left in the garden to... Decompose."
She was obviously really pissed about it or upset or something. It didn't make any sense.
I had to choose my words carefully. I said, "I didn't know he'd go through with it. But I'm glad he did, I guess."
She asked what the hell I was talking about. I had to make up a story so I said (And this isn't really a direct quote but it's pretty damn close) "Dad and I talked a lot while we were gardening. Once he said everything is part of the circle of life. I asked him if he was giving me the lion king speech, and he laughed. And then he pretty much gave me the real life version of the lion king speech. He said, 'We eat these vegetables. But to eat them we need to harvest them. To harvest them we need to grow them. To grow them we need to plant them in the dirt.'"
And then I explained to mom that dad had explained to me where dirt came from, form dead plants and animals. and that every living thing when it dies is reduced to it's fertile components- or at least it's supposed to be reduced. I spun her some story about how dad had said "there's no greater end for a living creature than for it's body to nourish the life of others, even in it's death."
Obviously dad never said that word for word, but I know for a fact dad felt this way because the time he ran over a fox he didn't want to waste the body. So it's not like I was putting words in dad's mouth. It's more like I was channeling his spirit or something.
I don't know whether it worked, but mom seemed to be thinking pretty hard about it.
so I ended by telling her, I felt like we ought to honor dad's wishes if that's what he wanted, because he was pretty serious about it.
I think I might have won her over. Now I just hope the lawyer doesn't get some stroke of honor and decide to own up to his mistake. or some stroke of intelligence and realize he doesn't even have to own up to his mistake- I'm pretty sure they could just bury dad in a cemetery since my mom would just have to basically sign off and that's that.
