CONFESSION- Nobody in my family has any idea...

Well this is my confession...

I know nobody in my family reads my blog (I don't think anybody I know in real life even knows about it) so I think its pretty safe, but its still a confession nonetheless: I modified my dad's will.

I had already seen the same file open the other night... And it was a terrible will for one reason.

So I changed it for his best interests. This is how it happened:



I was sitting in the living room watching TV, from there I could see dad working in his office and talking on the phone.... I was watching pretty closely and mostly ignoring the TV, so I knew he was talking to his lawyer (his name is Martin and he's an annoying weasel, I've met him twice before).

They were talking about the will... He rocks back in his chair, "Yep, so far so good. Yeah, I'm reading that part again right now, give me a minute."

He wasn't really typing at all, just reading and nodding- so I guess he was doing some proofing but it didn't look like he was changing anything.

And I hear him say, "Yep, everything is exactly the way I want it.... Yes, I'm sure- both the divisions and- yep, the arrangements too."

So... I knew what he was doing, and it was making me depressed- especially since he didn't seem to be changing any of the obvious problems in his will regarding the plans for his remains.

It seemed to me like he was giving up on his own wishes, all for the sake of peace for the rest of the family- as if they deserved any consideration to begin with!!!

Well I was sitting there, all bummed out just watching and listening.

Then I see him hit print.

And then he takes a pen from the jar on the desk. He's got the phone wedged against his shoulder and ear..

"Hold on a sec, goddamn printer is out of paper."

He reloads it, and slides the tray shut.

The printer starts whirring and making those obnoxious sounds.

He's waiting for the paper, he's ready to sign it...

I'm silently freaking out.

He picks up the pen again ...

I want to shout 'dad wait!!!' but I don't...

The printout is almost finished- "Ok, it's ready. I'm going to sign it right now. Walk me through what else needs to happen.... OK, and then what?"

The printer is still whirring.

I stand up and knock on the office door- but I have no idea what to say.

"Huh, I'm sorry Marty, wait one more second. Al, I'm on the phone- it'll have to wait. Go ahead Marty."

He stands up brushes past me, with a finger over one ear, listening to the lawyer 'walk him through it', evidently.

"So then I'll mail it to you in the morning...." He walks back towards the kitchen, and I hear him running some water, still hear his voice but I stop paying attention... Because the file is still open.

At a glance the part I hate is still the same:

"I do not wish my remains to be handled in a way which causes my family undue financial burden, or which causes stress to the ecosystem. Any funerary arrangements should adhere to these two ideals: sensible budgeting and minimal environmental impact. I do not wish to be embalmed, and I do not wish to be buried in a casket unless it is cheap and biodegradable- with the full intention that my body be allowed to decompose naturally and thus return its nutrients to the earth. Please make the arrangements at whichever cemetery is closest to our home."

So I grab the mouse and start doing some surgery on the keyboard... left the division of his estate utterly unchanged... Changed only the things that dad himself would have changed if he could only be a bit more selfish...

additions are in bold underline, subtractions are crossed out:

"I do not wish my remains to be handled in a way which causes my family undue any financial burden, or which causes any stress to the ecosystem. Any funerary arrangements should adhere to these two ideals: sensible budgeting and minimal environmental impact. I do not wish to be embalmed, and I do not wish to be buried in a casket unless it is cheap and biodegradable- I wish to be laid out in my garden, and left to the open air, with the full intention that my body be allowed to decompose naturally and thus return its nutrients to the earth garden which has offered me so much nourishment during my life. Please make the arrangements at whichever cemetery is closest to our homeAccording to my will."

Save and print (obviously without the bold, underline, and red cross-outs).

I crumpled the old one into my pocket, and hope the printer will spit out the new one before dad gets back.

I hear the microwave ding.

My heart was banging around in my ears, and even though I couldn't figure out what was being said, I could tell he was still talking to Martin.

I creep-run back to the couch and just sit there, looking blankly at the TV, trying to calm down.

He comes back in, he's got a mug of tea in his hand. He's still on the phone but he stops and looks at me and says, "Al, you alright?"

I tried to smile, but felt so red in the face from anxiety- "Sure dad, just wanted to ask some stuff about the garden."

He nods and smiles. and goes back to his conversation. I'm starting to relax, starting to fel like everything will turn out ok.

He sits down, "Ok then, it finished printing, I'm going to sign it right now."

I'm just watching him from the corner of my eye, like some kind of stealth-hawk. The TV is still on, but who knows what the hell is playing.

He picks up the pen, and glances at the paper...

I can tell he's reading, but I can't tell what part. I'm thinking I might be in for it...

Then: "Everything is 100% the way I want it, so I'll sign it and mail it to you. Are you sure you are willing to witness it for me even though you aren't here?"

He waits for a response, then laughs.

"Well I suppose that's true. Ok, my friend it'll be in the mail- I appreciate everything.... Goodnight.... Thanks, you too."

He hangs up, and smiles at me again.

I have no idea what will happen now. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed- hoping that it goes through the right way. It seems the only part dad re-read was the division of estate... I'm hoping the same thing happens with the lawyer who's "witnessing" the whole thing.

If it doesn't- if Martin reads it before signing, he might ask questions and I might get in trouble, but for dad the risk is worth it.

EDIT: August 2019. A year later, this all fell out. After dad passed, mom and our lawyer had to figure out what to do with his remains. They decided the contents of the will were illegal and broke the will. 

But they never even suspected that anyone had altered it. So I never got in trouble. Dodged a bullet, I think.

And even though dad didn't get to stay in the garden, he's on our property so that's a small comfort.