I'm broken

While I'm not going to delete what's already been said, I've decided to block all further anonymous comments across my blog. 

the level of toxicity and hate has become impossible for me to stomach. People have been urging me to suicide. And they have been telling me my whole life is just an entertaining fiction. 

It makes me sick to my stomach to know that people are just snacking on popcorn and enjoying my misery like it's only a stupid show. 

I'm literally shaking. I thought if I blocked anonymous comments I'd be blocking free speech, and on some level I thought by blocking the hate I'd be admitting defeat. Well, I already told the trolls on reddit I was broken. So what's one more admission?

I can't take any more of this hate. 

Trolls?? You win. I'm sure you are very proud. 

Thank you again to each and every person who reached out with anything like kindness. you all have made this less painful. 

But even with your help I'm still suffering. 

We buried dad today, on our property. He didn't get what he truly wanted, what I at least knew he wanted. And even though he's not in the garden at least he's on our property. My mom would not budge. I tried to get her to see dad's side of things. She actually told me to "shut the fuck up." And asked me if I really wanted to smell dad while he was rotting. 

Well I couldn't tell her the truth- I've smelled rotting flesh at the compost and the first time I thought it was awful, but the truth is you just kind of grow immune to the smell. obviously it would be a small price to pay to have dad spend his remains the way he'd have wanted them. 

He's buried though, and that's that. This has all been so surreal, but finally laying him to rest has given me a sense of shock. He's really gone. 

Tomorrow I'm going to write him a eulogy and I think that might help. I just can't focus right now.